The Sad Truth: I'll Never Be Happy (And Why That's Okay)

Unexpected relief comes when you finally accept that happiness isn't the point. There's something else that's far more valuable.

Hello dear soul

What if happiness isn’t something we’re meant to pursue and catch?
What if, by giving up the pursuit, we make room for something quieter, gentler, and possibly more meaningful?

This question has been in the background for a while now.

Last week, I let you know that I’m switching this Substack to a fortnightly rhythm. Lately, it’s started to feel like hard work. I haven’t had much time to make art, and the pressure I’ve been putting on myself to “show up” here has drained the very creativity I set out to share.

Which is ironic, really, given that my whole philosophy is about being more by doing less.

One of the reasons I write is to figure things out as I go and to share the messiness of that process in real time. So here’s something I’ve been sitting with, something that initially felt like a sad truth, but now feels like a quiet kind of freedom:

I don’t think I’ll ever be happy. At least, not in the way the world tells me I should be.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s okay.

The post-redundancy spiral

After the initial relief and excitement of being made redundant, and the unexpected gift of time and space…came the guilt.

Guilt about having the opportunity of time, space and a little bit of savings, when so many don’t. Guilt about not having it all figured out by the age of 47. Along with a sense of shame. The creeping comparisons and quiet panic about money, direction, and what I “should” be doing.

In response, I did what so many of us do and tried to fill the gap by adding more (again, the irony of this isn’t lost on me).

YouTube plans, Substack ideas, online shop tasks, all with the low-level anxiety of never quite doing enough. I became my own boss and taskmaster all in one.

It didn’t take long for my body to push back. Headaches, backache, tension, and the dull ache of joylessness returned. Alongside, the inner critic’s unceasing chatter of “not enough” started creeping back in, even though I thought I’d shown it the door.

Damn that critic was quick to come back demanding my attention, threatening to bang the door down!

Nothing felt like it was good enough. But mostly, I didn’t feel I was good enough.

The wake-up call

During one of my more anxious spirals, my long-suffering hubby, who is gloriously blunt in all the best ways, gave me a bit of a wake-up call. He told me something I hadn’t realised I was doing:

I don’t allow myself to feel happy.

Even when things are okay, or even good, I find a way to poke holes in the peace. I either worry about what’s next or tell myself I don’t deserve it. Joy is always tinged with guilt or overthinking. Hell, I even move the goalposts before I’ve reached them!

I recognise I’ve done this for years, and it’s time to stop.

He also reminded me that we often tend to compare upwards to people we think have more freedom, more clarity, and more success (whatever that is). But rarely do we look sideways or down. And when we do, we often realise that so many people would give anything for the life we already have.

So on yet another day when I felt sad and the black dog was laying his paw on my back, making me feel paralysed again, I realised - maybe it’s not about finding happiness.

You see, I’m not a naturally “happy” person. I can experience moments of happiness. I love to giggle, laugh, and smile. But happiness is fleeting and temporary. It’s not my natural or permanent state of being.

I acknowledge and accept that. Therefore, maybe it’s just about noticing what’s already here – and learning how to rest in it for a moment, without reaching for more.

Happiness vs. Contentment: The Distinction That Changed Everything

This week (May 6th), I turn 48. With 50, just two years away, I reflect on time and what lies ahead. Rather than dreading this milestone, I’m using it as a springboard for something different: a two-year project focused not on chasing happiness – something I’ve come to recognise as fleeting – but on cultivating contentment.

Lately, as I grow older, I’ve also been considering that this might be as good as it gets! We can never really know what’s around the corner, and who’s to say life will ever be "better" than it is right now?

Life will change, and we’ll have to adapt to it. Watching myself age (it’s accelerating daily now, I swear!) and seeing my loved ones change, there’s a quiet awakening to the reality of it all.

Happiness is often held up as the gold standard of human experience, but I’ve realised it’s not a permanent state, nor even a realistic goal. The human condition is full of inevitable ups and downs, and our cultural obsession with constant happiness only sets us up for disappointment when we inevitably return to our baseline or go through those necessary lows (yes, necessary - you read that right).

While I’ve had many happy moments, it’s not a permanent state of being. True contentment, however, is something I’ve experienced, and it’s far more profound and lasting.

I can pinpoint a few moments when I’ve felt it clearly:

• Following a quick water birth of my second son, Jake, I was left feeling euphoric. The world could have ended, and I felt in that moment that I had fulfilled everything I was here to do.

• While training as a mindfulness teacher, even the simple act of putting away laundry in my wardrobe left me with a sense of perfection in the moment. It was a truly enlightening time.

• Experiencing deep love with my hubby. We share a connection that is physical, mental, and spiritual. It’s the kind of bond that reminds me just how extraordinary it is to be human. Let’s just say I’m deeply grateful for him.

• Being a mum. There’s no better role as a woman. Yes, it’s challenging and frustrating, and it will sometimes test your very essence, but nothing makes life feel more purposeful than being a parent.

• On the simplest level, hanging washing on a summer’s day, with birds singing and the scent of fresh linen filling the air. (I recognise there’s something about clean washing that brings me into a mindful moment!) It’s one of those simple things that seems to invite me to stop, breathe, and just be present.

As I reflect on these moments, I realise they weren’t about chasing or seeking anything outside myself. They were about noticing what was already here, just as it was. And that’s the essence of contentment: being fully with what is, without the constant drive for something more.

We’ve had happiness projects, but what about a contentment project?

I’m starting a quiet experiment with myself. A two-year practice of choosing contentment over constant striving. Not as a resignation, but as a form of resistance to a culture that demands more of us. A way of softening into life, rather than muscling my way through it.

Because for me, contentment isn’t about settling or giving up on life’s possibilities. It’s a gentle acceptance of what is, without rushing in to fix, improve, or perfect it. It’s learning to let things be, even when they’re a bit wobbly or unresolved. It’s about staying present, rather than constantly reaching for something shinier or more impressive just over the horizon.

Here’s what this experiment might look like in practice:

• Letting go of guilt: When I catch myself in a moment of ease or joy, I try not to ruin it by questioning whether I’ve earned it. I just let it be what it is.

• Honouring the artist within: Embracing my identity as an artist isn’t just about creating, it's about recognising that being an artist is a way of being. It's in how I see the world, how I move through life, and how I allow myself to exist in the process. I no longer need to justify or explain it because it's part of who I am, whether I'm actively creating or simply observing.

• Noticing what’s already enough: From a quiet hour alone with a sketchbook and a pen to my ageing body or even my bank balance! Choosing to see these moments and realities as whole, not lacking.

• Listening to life’s seasons: Continuing to learn that not everything needs to be productive. Sometimes we bloom. Other times, we need to rest and compost and wait for the next thing to grow.

Maybe this is for you, too?

An Invitation

If you’re feeling tired of chasing happiness or weighed down by the constant pressure to optimise your life, this is your invitation to pause.

Maybe it’s enough, just for today, to be where you are.
To stop fixing, striving, and proving.
To notice what’s already here, and let it be enough.
Even if it’s not perfect. Even if it’s messy.
Even if you don’t quite believe it yet.

🎨 Creative Prompt

Contentment vs Happiness?

As I ease the pressure on myself, too, I invite you to consider:

• How do you differentiate between happiness and contentment?

• Where have you experienced moments of true contentment?

• What activities bring you into a state of simply being, rather than constantly doing?

And finally…

My dear fellow life travellers, I don’t have all the answers, but I’m committed to this journey. And I’m honoured to have you alongside me, exploring what it means to find peace in a world obsessed with perpetual happiness and productivity.

Leave a comment
If you've had your own realisations about happiness vs. contentment, I’d love to hear them in the comments. Your insights might be precisely what someone else needs to read today.

Have a creative week ahead 💕

From the week: 30 Day Drawing Challenge, an artist date at Stanmer Village and Park, Happy Anniversary Hubby!